ÿþ<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN"> <!-- saved from url=(0055)http://minervacat.stormwerks.net/lotrips/emotionally.html --> <HTML><HEAD><TITLE>not overly concerned</TITLE> <META http-equiv=Content-Type content="text/html; charset=unicode"> <META content="MSHTML 6.00.2900.2523" name=GENERATOR></HEAD> <BODY text=#003366 bgColor=#ccccff> <P><BR> <CENTER> <TABLE width="50%"> <TBODY> <TR> <TD><FONT face="arial, helvetica" size=4>Not Overly Concerned</FONT> <FONT face="arial, helvetica" size=2> <P align=justify><STRONG>Author:</STRONG> Minervacat <BR><STRONG>Fandom:</STRONG> Harry Potter <BR><STRONG>Pairing:</STRONG> Narcissa Malfoy/Lily Evans <BR><STRONG>Rating:</STRONG> R <BR><strong>Disclaimer:</strong> If I owned these characters, I would have a lot more money than I do. They're all the property of J.K. Rowling, Bloomsbury and Scholastic, and I am making no profit from this. <br><STRONG>Summary:</STRONG> <em>But there is no rule that says everything can't be beautiful while it falls apart around you.</em> <br><strong>Author's notes:</strong> Title and epigraph from Counting Crows, "Anna Begins". Betas by Sid, who calls me on it when I'm lazy, and Cedar, who tamed my semi-colons, wrangled my verb tenses and beat this into shape. <P align=justify></P> <HR> <P align=justify><em>i am not bothered, i am not overly concerned</em> <P align=justify>Narcissa always thought it would be nice if Andromeda or Bella was a redhead. Then the Black girls would have lined up nicely: one fair, one dark and one somewhere in between. It would have looked lovely in a family portrait. <P align=justify>Andromeda was scorched off the family tapestry, though, so the whole thing is a moot point and a silly flight of Narcissa's fantasy because there are only two Black girls now. She just can't help but think that it would have looked so nice, aesthetically. <P align=justify>Lucius scolds her for seeing the physical arrangement of people and places before she notices their use, their worth, but she can't help it. Narcissa likes things to look nice, likes arrangements to be symmetrical, prefers everything she can have a hand in to be orderly and beautiful. <P align=justify>She's not stupid. She knows what's coming. There's going to be a war, and she pledged her allegiance to Lucius and his choices long ago. There's no way she can change that now. She knows that. But there is no rule that says everything can't be beautiful while it falls apart around you. <P align=justify>With all the portents and the building fear - even tucked away safe in her final year at Hogwarts, Narcissa can feel it - there's something to be said for beauty. <P align=justify>Neither the red hair Andromeda should have had nor the search for beauty in strange places is what draws Narcissa's eye to Lily Evans. <P align=justify>Lily Evans isn't beautiful, for one thing. She's too skinny and she talks too much and she has too many freckles, plus she runs around with Narcissa's handsome, irritating, recently disowned cousin and that awful Potter boy. There is nothing about Lily that should attract Narcissa's attention. If Narcissa was a proper Black, she wouldn't deign to notice Wicked Cousin Sirius either, now that he's flown the family coop. <P align=justify>Sirius is too noisy not to notice, though. James Potter is too charming not to notice. And Lily Evans is too something that Narcissa cannot pin down to go unnoticed. It irritates Narcissa in a background sort of way - that she cannot stop searching for Lily across the Great Hall or in the corridors between lessons, and that she cannot understand why she's looking. <P align=justify>Shortly before Christmas holidays, Narcissa is not hovering at the end of a nearly empty corridor, not watching Lily Evans, when Lily turns from Wicked Cousin Sirius and sees Narcissa not hovering and not watching her. <P align=justify>"Did you need something, Narcissa?" Lily says coolly. <P align=justify>Narcissa matches her haughty tone inch for inch. <P align=justify>"Not from you, Evans," she says. "You've nothing I need - or want." <P align=justify>Lily fixes her with a look that Narcissa can't read, turns on her heel, and follows Sirius down the stairway in front of her. Narcissa discovers what it is that draws her eye to Lily Evans: the girl thinks she is much better than she actually is. Narcissa knows that Lily is nothing more than a snotty little Mudblood, no matter what airs she puts on. Someone has to put Lily in her rightful place. <P align=justify>People like Narcissa Black were put on earth to deflate the fancy notions of people like Lily Evans. <P align=justify>Narcissa could have spent the holidays with Lucius and his family. She could have gone to Grimmauld Place and spent them with Bella and Rodolphus and her cousins. Narcissa is not one of the students who stays at Hogwarts for the holidays because she's nowhere else to go. Narcissa is in demand, and she takes great pleasure in turning down all invitations that come her way for the holidays. <P align=justify>She's going to stay and concentrate on her N.E.W.T.s. She tells anyone who asks. <P align=justify>She's staying at Hogwarts to bring Lily Evans down to the level where she belongs. <P align=justify>Lucius plots, carefully orchestrating the best ways to inflict the most emotional and psychological damage. Wicked Cousin Sirius schemes, carefully orchestrating the best ways to make the most objects explode at the same time. <P align=justify>Narcissa doesn't do either of those, and she doesn't plan, either. Knowing how to get out of a tight spot before you're actually in that spot is beneath her. Narcissa wiggles out of tight spots because she is who she is, and she knows what to do. <P align=justify>Nothing about being Narcissa Black requires a plan. She simply exists, the way Bella simply exists, and thus existing, gets her way and wreaks havoc and throws excellent dinner parties. Without much effort at all, and she won't bother expending effort on knocking Lily Evans down. For one thing, it doesn't require any effort, and for another, that cheap slut doesn't deserve Narcissa's effort to begin with. <P align=justify>The castle is practically empty during the holidays. There's a threat growing - Narcissa's seen the news on the front page of the <em>Daily Prophet</em>, and most of the parents want their precious little brats home with them, not off at school. She doesn't blame them - she prefers the Slytherin common room when it isn't overrun with noisy first years, and she prefers the library when it isn't full of flirting couples and nosy bookworms. <P align=justify>She takes three days to lounge attractively on the Slytherin common room couches, enjoying the silence, and on the fourth day after the holidays begin, she corners Lily Evans in the library. <P align=justify>The library isn't exactly the setting Narcissa had envisioned for this fateful meeting, as she'd taken to thinking of it, but she hadn't planned for anything, after all. Her own fault if the encounter did not rise to her admittedly high standards for dramatic engagements. <P align=justify>Narcissa can't help that she prefers everything to be in its proper place, even when the idea is applied to chance encounters in the library. She just likes things to look beautiful, and is that such a flaw? <P align=justify>It's part of why she doesn't plan, in a backwards sort of way that she would never admit out loud. If she planned, of course things would be perfect all the time; nothing she planned would ever go wrong. <P align=justify>It's the ability to manipulate situations so they end in a perfect tableau. That's a gift, and that's what Narcissa wants to do with her life. <P align=justify>A gift for manipulation is a talent she is certain she'll be able to use for the rest of her life. <P align=justify>Evans hovers at the shelves just outside the Restricted Section, pulling thin volumes off the shelf and shoving them back after a cursory flip through them. She's wearing her horrid Muggle clothes, no robe like a proper witch, just a little plaid skirt and a jumper. Narcissa firmly believes that a woman's body is her best weapon, but that doesn't mean that you have to show off your legs in public like Evans is doing. Classless, really. <em>Tacky</em>. Just one more reason Evans has more than she deserves, one more reason for Narcissa to knock her down. <P align=justify>Narcissa leans on a shelf across the aisle from Evans. Wicked cousin Sirius taught her how to lean appropriately and seductively before he was disowned. "It's an underrated life skill, Cissy," he told her. <P align=justify>She said, "Don't call me Cissy," but she'd filed the advice on leaning away for later use. <P align=justify>She watches Evans for a couple of minutes, making sure that Madam Pince isn't lurking around the corner and making sure that Evans isn't going to run off before Narcissa can make her move. <P align=justify>She'd like to have this done with early; there's still plenty of Christmas holidays that she could spend pampering herself if she takes care of Evans and her high-and-mighty airs right now. <P align=justify>Evans turns and sees her, folding a book over her finger and raising an eyebrow. "Narcissa," she says, coolly but not cruelly, "did you need something, or are you just content to follow me about the castle like a shadow?" <P align=justify>If Narcissa Black was the sort of person to flush with embarrassment, she would have at this moment. She'd no idea that Evans had even noticed her surveillance, as wrapped up in James Potter as she was. She didn't dignify the barb with a response. "Evans," Narcissa says, and then stops. The lack of a plan suddenly seems reckless - she'd no idea where to start with this. <P align=justify>The last thing Narcissa wanted was to be faced with Evans laughing at her. Lily Evans might have been kind and the sort of person everyone (but Narcissa) adored, but she wasn't stupid. Evans knew how to laugh derisively when she needed to. <P align=justify>Evans stood at the bookshelf, finger still tucked in her book, staring at Narcissa patiently. <P align=justify>Narcissa steels her nerves and put on what Lucius laughingly called her "game face." He'd said that it was darling, the way she tried to look fierce, and then he'd swept her up into a kiss and she hadn't been able to protest that she wasn't trying, she really was fierce. Then again, Lucius preferred when Narcissa didn't say anything at all. So it was for the best. <P align=justify>She takes a step toward Evans, and another, closing the gap until they were nose to nose with Evans' back pressed up against the bookshelves behind her. The book, with Evans' fingers still between the pages, was trapped between them, the spine pressing against the bottom of Narcissa's breasts. Narcissa wraps a hand around Evans' free wrist, holding her in place. <P align=justify>"You shouldn't run around with my cousin," Narcissa says, her voice barely above a whisper. <P align=justify>"I don't run around with anyone, Narcissa," Evans replies, twisting her arm in tiny movements, trying to break free. Narcissa tightens her grip and dug her fingernails in, just a little. <P align=justify>"You run around with my wicked cousin and his little pack of dogs," Narcissa says. Evans' face contorts briefly, with something like amusement, at that phrase. Narcissa doesn't see what is so funny, but Evans doesn't seem inclined to share. She twists harder against Narcissa's restraint. "I've seen you," Narcissa adds, practically hissing. <P align=justify>"Who your cousin runs around with is none of your business, or my business." <P align=justify>"My cousin's too good for you," Narcissa says, feeling the moment slip away from her grasp. She yanks at Evans' wrist, and Evans makes a face at her, summing up displeasure, confusion and irritation all in one wrinkle of a nicely freckled nose. <P align=justify>"Then," Evans spits, dropping the good girl routine that Narcissa knew was just a façade, "it's a good thing I'm not running about with your cousin, isn't it?" <P align=justify>"You make eyes at everyone who crosses your path." <P align=justify>"I do not, have not, and never will make eyes at Sirius, Narcissa. He's a childish, spoiled prat, and I have no interest in him outside of the fact that he seems to come as part of a matched set: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew. And I am only interested in one member of that matched set, and it isn't your cousin." <P align=justify>Narcissa looks at Evans' snotty, spoiled face, and tries to imagine a way to put her in her place. She can't; she's ready to concede this round to Evans when Evans closes the gap between them even further and kisses Narcissa, roughly and with the hint of teeth behind the soft, wet press of lips. <P align=justify>Kissing girls is nothing new for Narcissa; in the dormitory, before Lucius - it was only natural. She's even kissed Bella. Once, on a dare from Wicked Cousin Sirius. Kissing girls is lovely; there's no stubble to scratch her face, and the feel of a woman's body beneath hers is curvy and soft and familiar, a mirror image of her own. <P align=justify>Evans has stopped twisting away, and then she swipes at Narcissa's mouth with her tongue and extends the fingers of the hand that holds the book between them, sending the book crashing to the floor. Evans twists her hand and, her tongue still in Narcissa's mouth, savagely squeezes one of Narcissa's breasts. <P align=justify>It's a violent act. Narcissa pulls away sharply, as though she was not the one who began this whole encounter. <P align=justify>"What do you want from me, Narcissa?" Evans asks, bending over calmly to pick her book from the floor. She straightens, long delicate fingers stroking over crumpled pages until they're nearly smooth again, and stares straight at Narcissa. <P align=justify>"Nothing," Narcissa says. She tries to fill the word with hate, with distaste for Evans and everything a Mudblood like her stands for, and knows she fails. "I've got no use for someone like you." <P align=justify>Evans smiles, a tiny secret smile that says she knows things that Narcissa does not. That could not be possible. Narcissa prides herself on knowing more than anyone else. It is the only way she'll keep anything from falling apart in her life. Knowing more than anyone else means you can keep the surfaces looking beautiful while everything crumbles and rots away underneath. <P align=justify>"Right then," Evans says, and she slides the book in her hands back onto the shelf carefully. "It was lovely chatting with you." <P align=justify>She glides out of the library with more grace than a red-headed, skinny-legged, freckled Mudblood has any right to, leaving Narcissa standing alone. <P align=justify>None of this unsettles Narcissa. She'd thought Lily Evans was a force to be reckoned with, someone who needed to be knocked down, and Narcissa now knows that she doesn't need to be knocked down. If Narcissa is patient, Lily Evans will fall of her own volition, and that is more satisfying than the process of destroying someone herself. <P align=justify>Narcissa knows that Lily Evans will fall because Lily Evans thinks she is better than she is, and this is a comforting thought. <P align=justify>Evans got the better of Narcissa once, and that will not happen again. <P align=justify>Narcissa is not overly concerned with Evans any more. There are better prizes to set her sights on. There are bigger battles to be fought and to be won. <P align=justify>She writes to Lucius that evening, curled onto one of the leather couches in the Slytherin common room. She reminds him that her Wicked Cousin Sirius has been running about with Mudbloods and Potters; she tells him that Lily Evans has made her look a fool. <P align=justify>She puts the words to paper and sets in motion a chain of events bigger and more deadly than anything she can begin to imagine. <P align=justify>When it happens, she is not overly concerned. <P align=justify><center>*</center> </P> <P></P></FONT></TD></TD> <TR> <TD> <P> <P><FONT face="arial, helvetica" size=2><A href="mailto:%20minervacat@livejournal.com?subject=not overly concerned">feedback always welcome</A>.</FONT> <P></P></TD></TR> <TR> <TD> <CENTER><FONT face="arial, helvetica" size=2> <P> <P><A href="http://minervacat.stormwerks.net/lotrips/index.html">Index</A></CENTER></P></FONT></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></CENTER></BODY></HTML>